Dillema

I'm having a dillema,
I want to start writing about somethings that have been
happening in my life but are personal...wondering if I should start a new blog?? or???

A song for Hir

For The Night by Musiq

Let’s pretend for one night, I’m the woman in your life
And we do the things that lovers do
All the loving u like
I give it to you just right
Theres nothing less than special when it comes to you
See what we have is understanding
That works so well for how we are
Cause neither of us has the heart to fall in love all over again

(Chorus)
Even though I’m not your woman and I know you’re not my girl
But let’s just act like it’s that way tonight
Now I know u got your friends and you know I got some too
But let’s just act like you’re my lady tonight

Now what I like about you
Is that you’re always so cool and comfortable whenever I’m around
You’re some one that I can talk too
No matter what I’m going through I call on you cuz I know you’ll always be down
See what we have is so incredible
That we’ll never find in anyone else
This thing that we share is so unbelievable
That I want you all to myself

(Chorus)
Even though I’m not your woman and I know you’re not my girl
But let’s just act like it’s that way tonight
Now I know you got your friends and you know I got some too
But let’s just act like you’re my lady tonight

Oh, I know that we both have our separate lives
And we don't keep ties on each other
So you can have me
So that I can hold you until the morning comes
Then we can go back to how things was before

(Chorus)
Repeat 2 xs

Tonight
Tonight
Umm dada da badum, yeah

I like it (I like it)
I love it (I love it)
It feels good to me (it feels good to me)
So good to me (so good to me)

reflections on being 'la otra'

Reflections on bein 'la otra'


it's an unwritten rule

she's leaving
to go see her
la que era 'la otra'
but now has claim to her.

she tells me she will call me in a few.

i tell her

'it's ok, you just have a good weekend
and I'll just talk to you when you get back'

I try to be strong

I just know that there is alot of unwritten rules

that I must adhere to

now
that

the roles are reversed.

The girl...and Coming out...

Well I have a little dilemma (actually HAD, but it's a whole other deal)
I recently met a girl (we'll call her 'The Girl' for blogging purposes). I haven't really 'Met' her per se but I've been corresponding with her. 'The Girl' and I have soo much in common. A love for our respective cultures, a love of art etc etc... Anyways 'The girl' and I started to text each other and call each other...(she's totally hetero by the way and I'm not interested in her in 'That' way) 'The girl' is VERY beautiful and VERY smart. Our connection seemed sooooooo weird and sooo amazing that I never knew how to out myself to her. I know it might seem like an insignificant thing, but I didn't want our new found friendship to be clouded by her knowledge of my sexuality. I would refer to my ex as 'The ex' and would use gender neutral pronouns. I felt REALLY bad feeling like I had to hide who I was, because it wasn't because of her but because of ME and my own insecurities surrounding my friendship with this woman. I've NEVER really been IN the closet. I came out in a blaze of glory the minute that I accepted that I was queer.

Well the other day, 'The girl' and I were on the phone and she casually asked me 'your ex, the one from the bay, where did she live' I started shaking and almost went into convulsions (I've been FOUND OUT I thought to myself) I said 'excuse me' The called dropped before she could say anything so I called her right back. She asked the same question and I nervously asked her when I told her that I was gay...she answered that she could tell and there were little hints here and there...she seemed soo nonchalant about it and that just tripped me out. Here I was totally scared of the whole situation and she ended up being the one who asked ME...ay ay ay...


The thing that really bothers me is that I can't really figure out exactly WHY I did not feel courageous enough coming out to 'The girl' there must be some hidden meaning behind it.

.....

more to come.

Something old...Something New

Ay
There's something a bit magical about not being in the same house.
Something about the way that you can just make plans and they can be so spontaneous. How everything seems so new, when both of you know that it's not.

It's almost like dating. It's so much better than that. It's like leaving the past behind.

I love it. Even though that we both know that we can't do this again.... .

Last night, I met hir for a drink at the Abbey. It felt soo liberating not to have to be in the same car. Something about it felt so independent and sex-in-the-city like. We had drinks, listened to music, flirted, talked and yes, in the end kissed in that oh so passionate way in which we did in the beginning.

We're going to have a packed and exciting weekend this weekend. I bought 2 new dresses and 2 new pairs of heels. ;)

I even bought hir a new tie. There's something so erotic about buying a butch a tie. Something so forbidden and queer about it.

Melancholy....

Last night I was very melancholic.
I'm spending the last nights in the Ontario house and working on my transition to my new beginning.

Last night there was something very melancholic about the way that hir and I bonded while she was washing clothes and I sat on the counter top while we both ate ice cream.

Last night there was something so very melancholic about the way I held her while we slept. There was her hair in my face. I love her hair. I breathe it's scent in as if it's the last night I will smell it, because it just very well might be. I remember all the times I said I would never date anyone with long hair, and how when she came along, I could not think of her EVER cutting her long beautiful hair.

These next couple of days will be hard for me.