Passing..An Ode to Buxas...among other things..

Yesterday was a test.

A test in self restraint.

I went out with the girl that I've been seeing/dating for a few months..AND her sister.

I know that it doesn't sound harsh, but there's just one other thing:

the girl (we'll call her Luvee) is NOT out. Not even gay, bi, or queer identified.

Yeah, so, you can just imagine...total toughie for me Ms. Hardcore, Queer, GLBT Artist/Activist.

So, not only do I have to deal with the feelings of being in the closet again, feelings of lying, of being a dirty little secret, but also, the feelings of privilege that I have by being femme and passing in the world.

This is hard.

I pass.

To her sister, I'm just another friend. I am the girl who's wearing the cute black shirt with the dangle earrings, the jeans and the boots. The one who is sporting the cute betseyville purse and drinking an amaretto sour.

I wonder...

what if I was the friend with the short hair, baggy jeans, Pumas, and A line Shirt. What if I was drinking whiskey straight up? Would she have been as nice to me as she was last night?

what if..I wore no make up, and instead of the dainty necklace with a solitary diamond on it, I wore a chain..you know...like a silver chain that the buxas in my community wear..

I struggle...

I struggle with the thoughts of the privilege that I hold by passing in society.

I struggle with the fact that my butcha/queer sisters can't pass. They walk in the world with their sexuality on their sleeve. (I ADORE them for that)

I struggle with the fact that they are so open to being bashed just because they don't look like I do on the outside. They choose to defy society and do as Russell Simmons says 'DO YOU'


I try to tell Luvee how I feel, but because she is not queer identified, I don't think she understands. She just tells me 'can't we just all have a good time'
I equate that with 'can't you just stay safe in your little closet' I hate it..I want to have my own personal protest..but there is just one little problem:

I like this girl.

A lot.

And, I've been here before:

Flashback to Oct 06.....

Ex GF, also closeted, but this time, bi identified.

Her sister comes down with her from the Bay Area to attend the opening of an art show that we are both in...

I loved my GF. Thought she was THE ONE.
Couldn't understand if she felt the same (which she said she did) why she couldn't just come out to her family...bugged her about it all the time...SERIOUSLY..all the time..I would get on my queer high horse and pout about the whole thing.

'if you really loved me you would tell your family about me'

'you're 30 years old, don't you think that you have the right to live your life the way you want'

'why is it such a big deal? I did it..and it was fine'

Even after all the trying she did:

-The move down to So Cal
-The conversations we would have about planning our lives together
-All the fun times we had
-The Tiffany's engagement ring she got me for Christmas

NONE of that was enough for me. I wanted to be in an 'OUT' relationship. I wanted to hide from NO ONE..but I wanted all of that on MY terms.

In the end...

It backfired.

She cheated.

We broke up.

I cried.

I was EXTREMELY brokenhearted. Couldn't eat for days. Cried myself to sleep every night. It was life altering. Not in a good way..

I could not believe that my fairytale ended this way.

This was NOT how it was supposed to happen.

After a couple of months. I asked Hir why she did it. How she could ruin our 'happily ever after'?

Two words:

Too Queer.

I was too much.

Too 'out there'

I would nag her about coming out.

She just couldn't do it.

She tried hir best.

She only could 'do what I could' but it was 'never enuf for you'

So she found someone else..

Someone who was/is

-Closeted
-Married to a man (so in a sense can hide behind that in front of hir family)
-Would never ask hir to come out
-Was/is not invested in being queer


I don't want to make the same mistake again.

I want this to work.

So how do I reconcile that with the fact I don't want to be pushed back into the closet?

::femmesigh::

welcome to some new additions to the blogroll

hey all!
Thanks to Twitter I've made connections with the most amazing tweeps! I've added some of them on my blogroll, check out their sites these are some amazing mujeres!!!!


Bfp

Womanist Musings

NSpirit

Mamita Mala

Incense, Oils, and Good Lovin'

and last but certainly not least:

Dopegirlfresh


So yeah, check them out...they are all oh so very amazing! Too bad most of my blog/twitter friends are on the east coast..I think the world could NOT handle all of us on the same coast together...we would cause soo much havoc!!

xoxo

LL

Heterophobia (repost)

Thank you to Womanist Musings
for this:

creative xicana moment of bliss #2

Ahh Pink Sugar...how girly you make me feel (and smell) :)

my weekend in pix

Hey all...lovely weekend was had!!!! Friday Night I ended up at Girlztown a new monthly for the ladies here in LA. Let me say the music was amazing and the vibes even better!! I'll be a regular there FOR SURE!!!! and then Sat brunch with my bestis at Shanghi Reds in Marina del Rey and Sunday...queer brunch turned into a whole day (including dinner) I love my friends!!!

Job openings in So. Cal please repost

PT Job Openings!
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
The Youth Policy Institute's ROE afterschool program at CALS Early College High School is seeking qualified people to fill the following part-time positions:

Activity: Yoga Instructor
Brief Description: This course introduces students to classic yoga postures, alignment principles, breathing techniques and the language of Yoga.

Duration: Twice a week, 90 minutes each session
Class Size: 15-20 students ranging from 9th to 12th grade
Program Start Date: January 12, 2009

Activity: Hip Hop Dance Instructor
Brief Description: This dance course is designed to introduce students to contemporary hip hop, locking, poppin and breaking. Students will work towards a culminating hip hop dance performance at the end of the semester.

Duration: Twice a week, 2 hours each session
Class Size: 15-20 students ranging from 9th to 12th grade
Program Start Date: January 12, 2009

Activity: Music Composition Instructor
Brief Description: This music course is designed to introduce students to music composition, lyric writing, promotion and other aspects of the music industry. Students will have the opportunity to record their own music and/or have guided practice sessions culminating in a community concert.

Duration: Twice a week, 2 hours each session
Class Size: 15-20 students ranging from 9th to 12th grade
Program Start Date: January 12, 2009

Activity: Boy's Soccer Coach
Brief Description: Students will be participating in an extramural Youth Policy Institute soccer tournament beginning in March 2009.

Duration: TBD
Class Size: 15-20 students ranging from 9th to 12th grade
Program Start Date: January 12, 2009

All instructors are classified as afterschool Enrichment Specialists, job description is attached. Please send resumes to the CALS Early College High School site coordinator Emmanuelle Leal at eleal@ypiusa.org or YPI Enrichment Project Specialist Ashley Metoyer at ametoyer@ypiusa.org

NOTE: All course descriptions are subject to change. Afterschool time usually runs from 3:30 to 6:00 p.m. Monday-Friday.


School site is located at 700 Wilshire Blvd. (4th Floor) Los Angeles, CA 90017 in downtown L.A.


JOB DESCRIPTION:

Youth Policy Institute
Position Title: Enrichment Specialists

Youth Policy Institute (YPI) is seeking enrichment specialists for their elementary, middle, and high school Youth Services programs. Positions desired within this bracket are music, film, contemporary/urban art, dance, horticulture, auto mechanics, culinary arts, ceramics, theater, fashion, jewelry design, photography, computer graphics and design. The desired incumbent will work with up to twenty students at the designated school site, and report to the Enrichment Coordinator and the school's Site Coordinator.


Description of Duties:
 Create and implement exciting, educational lesson plans
 Facilitate and supervise up to twenty students
 Chart and document student growth within program
 Build relationships with students, parents, and administration
 Work closely with Enrichment Coordinator to ensure program success and growth
 Market and outreach for program
 Comply with YPI Enrichment policy
 Accurately document attendance
 Attend trainings
 Additional duties assigned

Qualifications:

 Education, certification and work experience in specified program
 Prearranged lesson plans and curriculum ready for implementation
 Outgoing and enthusiastic
 Independent worker
 Self-Starter
 Punctuality
 Prior work experience within the student population
 Reliable transportation
 Flexibility

 Superb communication skills
 Ability to work with varied populations
 Ability to multi-task
 Deadline oriented
 Familiarity with Microsoft Office and Internet
 Bilingual a plus

Hourly Rate: $15-$25
Hours: Primarily after school, hours varies per school site
Location(s): San Fernando Valley and Los Angeles
Selection Process: Submit your resume to (NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE): Ashley Metoyer, Enrichment Project Specialist,
ametoyer@ypiusa.org.

Prospective candidates will be invited for an interview.

YPI's mission is to create opportunities for low-income families and communities through technology, education and training services.

www. ypiusa. org


--
Emmanuelle J.
Leal-Santillan
After School Program Coordinator - YPI
CALS Early College High School
700 Wilshire Blvd.
, 4th Floor LA 90017
Cell (702) 372-5491

weekend plans!!!!

Hey all!

This weekend is going to be jam packed (as always)

Tonight: Dinner with the ex-wife then off with her to meet some other friends at a new club night for the queers in Hollywood called Girlz Town!

Sat: Day: Brunch with my bestis Mere & Tia (she just flew in from NYC!!!) at Shanghi Reds in Marina del Rey

Night: Candlelight Vigil (prop 8) at Hollywood/Highland

Sun: Queer Brunch at my place for all the queers before we all get busy for the holidays!!!!


All right...hope you all have a great weekend!!!

I'm on one tonight...

This song is soooo speaking to me tonight...



you feel me?

of course...

Callie

is dating

Erica


does life imitate art?? or does art imitate life? (just a couple of years too late...)

funny...

exhibit A : Ex-gf's ex from San Diego, CA

exhibit B: My Chicano Studies Professor from the Valley

exhibit C: Me (from LA, CA)

exhibit D: Ex-gf (from the bay area, CA)


ok...soo why is the world sooo small? My friends sometimes tell me that I must know the whole world...and I never think that I do, until things like this come up.


A couple of weeks ago, My Prof (exhibit B) was doing a lecture on the Virgen de Guadalupe images in Chicano Art, of course we talked about not only the traditional images, but the images which also stirred up feelings in people such as Alma Lopez's 'Our Lady' . Then my professor pulls out a print of a Virgen de Guadalupe holding a boom box with an antenna coming out of her head. I think to myself 'I've seen this print before' but can't quite match where...until he starts talking about the artist and how they're really good friends and she's a 'firme companera' and how she's all 'into the EZLN movement'..AH HA! my brain is now pulling from my vast files of people/art that I know...I ask the question that will determine if this is the person that I think it is..

Me: 'Is the artist from San Diego?'

Prof: 'Yes she is'

Me: 'Is she or was she the graphic designer for The B side players?'

Prof: 'Yes'

Me: 'Is she queer?'

Prof: 'Yes'

Me: 'Is her name Iris?' (exhibit A)

Prof: 'yes'

Me: 'OMG she's my ex's (Exhibit D) ex gf before me'

Prof: 'yeah, she's my friend's ex as well'

Me (in my head): This is indeed a very very small world..

ohhh I'm soo excited this is back...

Thanks to Sinclair for creating a WHOLE WEBSITE for my viewing enjoyment!

I'm one happy femme right now!

http://www.queereyecandy.com/

Check it!

Mi Cultura/Aztec Dancing

I went dancing tonight.

Not the kind of dancing I normally do, you know, the booty shakin'-music is bumpin-how low can you go type of dancing...

I went to an Aztec Dancing Circle tonight.

There were few of us. 1 elder lead 4 of us novices and one experienced dancer in some beautiful danzas.

This is my 3rd or 4th time going to a circulo. It was amazing. It was so last minute and I was not expecting to go to danza tonight. But even as I said no, something inside of me told me to go. I'm so glad I did. The size of the group made it conducive to learning the steps. Most of all though, it was nice to recieve healing from Cuco. It was nice to hear his teachings and try to absorb it all like a sponge. He also gave me a healing. It was really nice. I also felt the presence of my maternal grandmother, the weird thing is that I never met her, but I felt her love envelop me while I was dancing. It was beautiful.
Cuco told me about this new years eve event going on in Lincoln Park...it will be danza and learning about the EZLN all night...that sounds so perfect. I love living on the Eastside. I'm connecting so much more with my culture. It's amazing. I totally belong here. Today, not only did I go to Danza, but I also went to the Self Help Graphics Print and Art Sale. I met Jose Ramirez and bought some stuff from him...he's so amazing and invited me to his open studio next Sunday...that sounds like soo much fun!!!


Just what I need for my renewal.


Thank you Universe, for putting me right where I needed to be..right place, right time...

creative xicana moment of bliss #1

if your eyebrows look fierce...all is good with the world
(I got my eyebrows done today and felt sooooo amazing...I swear...it's the small things that make me happy...)

in response to 'in praise of fishnets'

for one of my FAVE FAB FEMMES in the blog-o-sphere.
*and I had to add a great shot of the AMAZING hat that I had on that night...a one of a kind by Stella Dottir ;)

why is she so amazing?

Hey everyone,
well we all know Sharon Bridgforth is sooo AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anywho I had the most amazing HONOR to work with her this summer for the Finding Voice workshop at Scripps College in Claremont. Anywho. The play is going to be playing in Austin, TX next month and here's a little fundraiser you should contribute to...just sayin...watch the video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (she's sooo handsome..ahhhh)



buy a script!

I gave in/Twitter

check it.. add me

http://twitter.com/laura_luna